13th December 2007,

There’s an elephant in my room, please don’t mention it. Since I last saw you I’ve been travelling, yes I have yes I have indeed. I went to Venezuela, then to Holland (beautiful mountains there, with snowy peaks), then to Brazil. I never made it back to Hawaii though, remember our honeymoon in Hawaii?
   I’ve found out about your new man, yes I have, you told me like. Pat. Why would you call him Pat? Can I suggest that you change his name?
   I should’ve come to visit you after Brazil, but the Foreign Office wanted me to visit Pol Pot instead. He’s a very small man. And he wore pink lipstick.
   Everything has worked out very well for me, indeed it has. I have travelled far and wide. Did I tell you I went to Hawaii? I don’t think Pat would take you there like, but I can.
   They let me out for funerals and weddings. I’ve never been to one. It’d be great if you could arrange for an elderly relative to die, so that I’d get to see you again. Pat, maybe? They let me out for weddings and funerals, yes they do. It’s the only chance I get to escape the elephant in my room.

Liam Bell

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